Another Soul Vanishes

Born

The very first second I opened my eyes to the world, I found nobody at my side. Just alone in a hospital, all by myself, I didn't know enough to care for myself. Looked around, hoping to find a warm hand for my newborn flesh, but nobody was there. Went outside and found so many children surrounded by a large group of people accepting them, holding them.

Not going to lie, but watching it filled me with envy. Suddenly that corner of the room turned into a thick layer of black and red paint. It was the very first time I realized how rotten human feelings can be when they are kicked to the curb. I just looked at the color of the wall; the drawings made the room a bit brighter. 

One of the people looked at me; I smiled back, hoping he would do the same. But all I saw in his eyes was a pity. Everyone looked at me and showed pity for the world I was living in; they very well knew how cruel the world would get for me.

Glimpse of sun

I did the only thing I could do to get out of reality; I just closed my eyes and hoped for better. Life took me out of the hospital and put me in an orphanage.

Seeing faces sharing the same fate as me was an air I badly wanted to breathe. And I did; finally, I am around people who are going through the same tornado as me. It's like we are all spinning in the air with no idea of where each of us is going to land. Took me some time, gave out a lot of smiles, but everyone acted as a mirror to my emotion. The road was hard, but I managed to make some friends; having them around me was beyond my wildest dream.

Here life gave me a wonderful peak into a life of happiness. When I was with my friends, it was like my heart landed on a feather floating in the air. When they left, the heart landed on a cold unwashed hospital floor. I guess some memories are difficult to let go of.

But I held on to the moments fate gave me; I couldn't be happier. At least, that's what I told myself often. The scar of not having parents was visible to everyone; it was always hard to go out and see the world naked. Where every child had their hands conjoined with their parents. The sight carried beauty, but at the same time, it was hunting.

Life

Every time I went out, they all looked at me, not with the desire to care for me or love me; they just wanted to have it. For them, I was a flower in the middle of a swamp. I saw the lust in their eyes when they saw me, a deep sense of possession I felt as they lingered around me. 

My skin would crawl when they looked at me. But I didn't want to stop. Nobody ever looked at me, but now they do. All my life, I wanted others to just hold me and never let me go. Now they all want me, but for all the wrong reasons.

My mind didn't care, as it only saw the value of acceptance by anyone. It longed for the feelings of possession; it wanted possession. Foolishly, I gave it away.

I didn't deny any of that; I wanted to be taken from the life that was given and put anywhere people deem as normal. One day, a guy knocked on the door of our orphanage and asked me for a hand. Immediately the word Yes came out of my mouth.

I knew in his eyes; he wanted an object, the beauty fate blessed me with instead of the warmth of loved ones. I allowed myself to be taken by him. I thought maybe the lust in his mind would be enough for him to never let me go. Maybe I could keep him with my beauty; maybe that would change him for the better.

I wish I was right; I remember every second I spent with him. I never wanted to be wrong. There was no moment where I didn't put effort into my action. No matter how many times they destroy my sand castle, I would go back and build it.

They took pleasure in seeing me in pain, and I accepted it. As long as they don't abandon me, I will do anything. He hurled obscenities, left scars on my flesh, and violently bred in every action. Nothing was enough for me to live my life. And I did.

Death

Every single day the music of the world got louder, but I didn't mind. All I wanted was to be around the house, doing my best to prove to a figure I respected. 

I...wanted to be so real.

God never listened to me, he made sure I would get trapped, and I did. Couldn't break out no matter how many times I tried. I just couldn't care anymore at all.

During these times, I looked at others; they were happy, joyous family, and smiles on everyone. I didn't deserve it, I did everything they did to please their families, but fate always gave me the short end of the stick. I looked at the mirror once; I was a completely different person. My eyes used to be different; my hair was a different color, and my skin used to be clean.

A moment is all it took for the world to strip everything away from me. Should I laugh like a maniac and let the world know my mind finally broke into pieces, or should I carry it within myself like others? Pretend that everything is fine until my final breath.

Nope, I can't treat myself with torture. I can't even imagine the next year, month, week, days, or hours living inside of me. I knew what was coming If I smiled like them and stayed. All of these thoughts were jumping into my head while I was focused on the mirror.

I raised my hand for the first time to do something I wanted to do, not for the family. I touched the mirror, and my reflection touched me back. The only person in the world who understood me; went through every single second of my life. Now that figure is looking back, touching my finger.

The whole world stopped, my actions stopped, and my caring for everyone stopped. Every time I cared, I saw the inside of my flesh. The rotten cycle of seeing the same circle over and over again got to my head. It was like I was trapped in a house with no exit. So I did; I got out, forever.